Hard truths must be dealt with. They may be buried deep inside, but they are not dead. They are the backseat drivers of life. In a perfect world everyone would make the healthiest, most loving choice. But this is not a perfect world. So, we must learn to allow ourselves and others to make choices that are unhealthy and harmful, while believing it is what we/they must choose in order to grow into love.
Due to a toxic childhood and abusive relationships for the first 30ish years of my life, my body started to destroy itself. I was also blessed with the generational curse of creative insecurity. I have been on my healing journey since 2015, and I am finally making breakthroughs with my creativity: the major breakthrough being sharing my thoughts and artwork with all of you. Before, I could only write when I was exploding with emotion. And my ability to draw, paint, or play music came so sporadically that I have not been able to hone any one craft. Instead, I am proficient but not professional in many areas. Now that I am freer in my creativity, I am producing more works of art more often, but still have the struggle of damage to this wonderful machine (my body) that has kept me alive for 37 years. I look forward to the day I no longer live with any symptoms of these diagnoses, but I will never let them stop me.
One of my blessings, and curses, is I don’t know how to quit. I have been learning how to let things go and change direction with little to no guilt or shame though. Realizing that life is a process. Life is meant to be lived learning. Rest when it’s needed. Move when it’s time to move. And keep forgiving yourself, because we are learning imperfectly.
What current lessons are you learning?
You are as free as you choose to believe you are.
Too often we subconsciously fall into and live in victimhood. It can happen in any area of our lives.
I recently realized I was living there in the area of parenthood. It manifested physically as trapped gas. But, like usual, I thought it was due to making choices based on ease and comfort versus what was most healthy in the food department. I also tend to fall into the trap of thinking I’m doing something wrong, even when I’m not. And yes, I have been making choices based on how easy they make my life – but that is what I need right now. It is my current heaven. I don’t need to berate myself for it.
Anyway, after a couple of months of asking where the symptoms were coming from and getting no answers that came from a place of love, I finally had an epiphany. It is no secret that I am most at peace when I am by myself. I have come to accept that I won’t get 6 months to myself while in active parent mode. But deep down I was still holding onto the belief that I needed those 6 months to truly heal. That I couldn’t get passed certain hurdles and be in mom mode. So, when I started out the day in my headphones and was feeling calm, happy, and energetic I was able to notice the shift when both kids were awake, present, and wanting to interact with me. Immediately upon the removal of my headphones I felt those bubbles in my gut. It was at that precise moment that lightning hit my brain. I felt trapped. I felt and still tend to feel like I have to do and or be (_______) for them.
I’m sure a lot of parents feel this at one point or another. No longer free to go wherever, do or be whatever when they want to. I would love to be one of those parents who can seamlessly fit their kids into their lives and seamlessly fit themselves into their kids’ lives. But alas, I am not. And I am sure that if my story were different, I would handle this situation differently or not have to at all. But this is my story, and this is simply one more step in my healing journey – how to be in relationship and remain true to myself because it is something I was never taught.
What are some areas that you’re living in victimhood?
You are a priority!