Healing Intimately

You’d never be able to tell that 20 minutes ago (ok, in all fairness it took me over an hour to get all this put together) I rode the energetic rollercoaster traveling from exquisite pleasure to death-like pain in the matter of seconds. I have been here before; multiple times.

 

(Rest is still required after a healing session of this depth though)

 

I made a declaration the other day in response to the inner guidance I received. And I made it publicly despite every part of my being wanting to ignore this message and continue hiding in the safety of my singleness (and solitude). I know what happens out there and I have no desire to experience that, again.

 

See, I have been single and mainly celibate since Fall 2015. I dove deep into healing from the abusive relationships I had been enduring for all of my 30 years. I was barely functioning, 1000x less functional than my current state. And part of that healing encompassed an intimate nature.

It took me a while to accept that healing was needed in this part of my life and that it was up to me to heal it.

I had been misled during my upbringing and I entered adulthood very sheltered. Many things were believed to be taboo and filled with shame, especially if one found pleasure in them.

 

*SA Warning

 

This lack of knowledge and the beliefs that were instilled in me made it very easy for me to be manipulated and abused. We don’t even need to mention the possible autism that factored into my naivety and trusting nature. And I still don’t know if anything like SA actually happened during my childhood, but certain things lead me to believe it’s possible.

I have a vague memory of a babysitter’s brother kneeling beside my bed, one night, talking to me as I lay under the covers somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7. He being several years older than me. I remember being fearful of my dad on one occasion when I was 13. At the time I couldn’t fathom why. He had never been the affectionate type and only laid a hand on me and my brothers once in our entire lives. I chalked the fear up to the circumstances and then immediately dismissed the idea. I mean anybody would be fearful when parking on the side of an isolated country road, right? And taking a long motorcycle ride is a valid reason for needing a break. At 17 I was nearly taken advantage of after a party. I remember not wanting to go that far, but feeling like I couldn’t say no. I was extremely grateful when he stopped trying. He was pretty drunk as well, but it didn’t stop him from removing both our pants and underwear and attempting to get inside me. And despite this experience it was the same person I experienced my first time with shortly before my 18th birthday, just to be dismissed and told it was a mistake the next day.

A long history of boys pretending to be my friend, all wanting more and then treating me like garbage when I expressed my disinterest. Or even worse, being in a relationship with someone to being discarded rather rudely after sharing my whole self with them. This journey eventually led me to marriage(s), where my view and understanding of how I ought to be treated was still severely skewed. I thought I was becoming free with the experiences of deeper intimacy, but it actually led to higher levels of abuse and shame.

 

To not feel like you have a choice or the ability to say no for fear of the response is no way to be in a relationship. To be coerced into doing things you weren’t quite comfortable doing to then be slut-shamed when you finally complied is not a healthy dynamic.

In order to heal these things, I had to get comfortable with myself. And again, I had to do it mainly on my own as I had severed all relationships and had no healthy person to learn from. That not every intimate act is shadowed in shame. That there is a healthy level of “dirty”. This level being different for each individual.

 

I’ve been working on this, very slowly, for years. And it seems like as soon as I cracked the door to a new level of healing, Spirit rips the door open, grabs me by the collar, and throws me into the ocean without so much as a life jacket.

I still struggle to watch nude and sex scenes in films and shows. I recently started experimenting with romance novels to branch out a bit more in the “what I like” realm. And just voiced to my kids that I would not be skipping the scenes when they came up so I could continue healing my sexuality, and that if they wanted to join me, we would need to sit down and have a deeper talk, when Spirit is like, “oh, by the way, you need to be open to dating now as well. “

 

So, when I took care of myself in the shower today and immediately began sobbing and screaming like a banshee after the sweet release, I knew I had reached a deeper level of healing. Crying afterwards was not uncommon, but not being able to suppress screaming out in both emotional pain and rage was new. I am on the right path.

 

As scary as it is to simply be open to the IDEA of letting someone in again, I know that I am better prepared this time around. I know that I have a powerful, healing energy that is often acknowledged with obsession and control. I know I have an extremely deep capacity for love. I know that I travel between energies quite rapidly, sometimes embodying more than one at the same time, and I still struggle to maintain my composure and acceptance of the journey. I also know the majority of people, especially guys, will not be a safe space for me to flow through these energies.

 

And it is that knowing that breeds fear. What if I lose myself again? I do not want to repeat history, again. If I struggle to handle my crazy, how can I expect someone else to? At the same time, knowing that where I am weak someone else will be strong. How can I, in my right mind, give someone the opportunity to abuse me. . . again. What if my boundaries aren’t strong enough? What if my attitude is too strong with the wrong person? What if I miss My Person because I’m dinking around with someone else? And how am I supposed to do all this while raising 2 teenage boys?

 

But that’s the point, right? To find out. And the only way to do that is to f*ck around . . . with purpose. (I’ve never been the type to simply f*ck around).

Reminder: I share my journey like this bc there are others out there in the same spaces I used to live in, with no support. With no idea of where to go next, or how.

 

My shares are not an invitation to take advantage. That wholeheartedly makes you unworthy and you will no longer be allowed to tap into my energy.